Source: Follow Him Podcast with Dr. Lilli Anderson Part 1 | Episode 20
Dr. Lilli de Hoyos
Anderson : 32:26
So, it is, it's about change. I can't help myself. I'm a Counselor. I have to say something about marriage as an ordained of God, but I'll be brief. And that is that don't, it's not just marriage, it's good marriage. It's a good marriage. Now that's hard, right? I mean, it's a challenge. We all know it. It's one of God's perfect refiners fires. I have talked to a lot of married groups and firesides and so on. And I'll say, often we were nice people when we were single, but let's get that back. Let's keep working on that and become good at marriage. It's God's plan for us. And even single, we can prepare to be good husbands and good wives and good mothers and good fathers. It is part of the interaction with people that we have in every scenario that we can learn how to be good at this.
So, it is, it's about change. I can't help myself. I'm a Counselor. I have to say something about marriage as an ordained of God, but I'll be brief. And that is that don't, it's not just marriage, it's good marriage. It's a good marriage. Now that's hard, right? I mean, it's a challenge. We all know it. It's one of God's perfect refiners fires. I have talked to a lot of married groups and firesides and so on. And I'll say, often we were nice people when we were single, but let's get that back. Let's keep working on that and become good at marriage. It's God's plan for us. And even single, we can prepare to be good husbands and good wives and good mothers and good fathers. It is part of the interaction with people that we have in every scenario that we can learn how to be good at this.
So I would really encourage ... One thing that I just see so many times is that we're not as nice as we should be. We're nice in public. And then we go home and all the cares of the day sort of unravel and sometimes we're short at home. And it's just too important to let those things continue. I mean, there are so many things we could say, but that's one that comes to mind a lot. I remember having a couple that came in to see me. This was one of the first couples I worked with and they were ready to file for divorce, but their Bishop made them promise to come in four times, just one of those cases as counselor, you're like, oh great. And they've already made their decision, but I asked them, I said, "Well, if something could have saved your marriage, what would it have been?"
And they said, "Communication, communication. We just don't ever communicate well with each other. We never have." So I listened to them talk about that and ask some questions and got some background. And then the next week I met with one of them separately and the following week, the other one
separately. And then the last time, our fourth meeting, we got together again. And I said, "Your problem is not really communication." And they were pretty affronted. They were indignant. They were like, "Well, yes, it is. It's communication." Like not really. And they said, "Well, what is it?" I said, "Well,
you're mean to each other. You're actually communicating quite effectively."
Hank Smith: 34:42
You're getting the message loud and clear across.
Dr. Lilli de Hoyos Anderson : 34:45
But, it's really mean. And to give this couple credit, they acknowledged it and they continued to come and the work they did, I was happy to be a part of helping that, saved their marriage. And I saw them years later, before we left Vegas and they came and they had another child by then and said they were on a good path and still working at becoming more effective at marriage. And I guess that's my point. We have to keep changing. We have to get better at what we're doing. And we have to, there's a beautiful statement by Marvin Ashton from 1992, April, "The tongue can be a sharp sword, the best
and clearest indicator that we are progressing spiritually and coming to Christ is the way we treat other people." And I am pretty sure he didn't mean in public.
and clearest indicator that we are progressing spiritually and coming to Christ is the way we treat other people." And I am pretty sure he didn't mean in public.
John Bytheway: 35:31
Oh, can I just take off on that point? Because Sister Sheri Dew, in one of her books, talked about a visiting Member of the Seventy coming and asking, how do you know when someone's truly converted? And she said, "Everybody wanted to impress the General Authorities." So there were all sorts of comments and he put them all on the dry erase board and then he erased everything except for, by how they treat others. And Sheri, to her credit said, "I thought, really?" And then I started to
research it in the scripture. The one that always comes to me is the John 13, "By this shall all men know that you're my disciples." It's not your calling. It's not how many books you've read, how many scriptures you've memorized. It's “If you have loved one to another.” And she became ... I mean, that was a great chapter. And I thought, look at that it's right. Jesus says it. This is how you'll know. It's how we treat people. I thought that's a very good point.
research it in the scripture. The one that always comes to me is the John 13, "By this shall all men know that you're my disciples." It's not your calling. It's not how many books you've read, how many scriptures you've memorized. It's “If you have loved one to another.” And she became ... I mean, that was a great chapter. And I thought, look at that it's right. Jesus says it. This is how you'll know. It's how we treat people. I thought that's a very good point.
....
Hank Smith: 36:43
I wanted to tie these together. And I think you were about to do this Lilli, or you started to, when we talk about repent, repent, repent, and then it's for marriages ordained of God. It's almost as if for me personally, because I know I don't want to exclude anyone who's unmarried. So for me personally, marriage has caused me to repent more than any other relationship in my life. And it's a good thing. It's caused me to change and improve, because I'm not just accountable to me, but I have this other
person in my life that almost every action affects her. Almost every action of my life affects her in some way. And that's helped me repent. It's helped me to say, oh, well not only am I hurting me with this action, I'm hurting her. So this has got to stop.
person in my life that almost every action affects her. Almost every action of my life affects her in some way. And that's helped me repent. It's helped me to say, oh, well not only am I hurting me with this action, I'm hurting her. So this has got to stop.
...
John Bytheway: 37:43
And again, okay. So remember, as Lilli has helped us understand, the backdrop of this and to whom they're speaking. And so, talk about the Lord giving a concise kind of purpose of marriage here. "And again, verily I say unto you, that whoso forbiddeth to marry is not ordained of God, for marriage is
ordained of God unto man. Wherefore, it is lawful that he should have one wife, and they twain shall be bone and flesh,” and all this, I love this, “that the earth might answer the end of its creation." I mean, this is the desired outcome of making the planet. "And that it might be filled with the measure of man,
according to his creation before the world was made." That's very concise, but it's huge.
ordained of God unto man. Wherefore, it is lawful that he should have one wife, and they twain shall be bone and flesh,” and all this, I love this, “that the earth might answer the end of its creation." I mean, this is the desired outcome of making the planet. "And that it might be filled with the measure of man,
according to his creation before the world was made." That's very concise, but it's huge.
Dr. Lilli de Hoyos Anderson : 38:33
It's huge. And he is talking about good marriage, meaningful marriage, figuring it out, not just saying, okay, well ...
John Bytheway: 38:42
With a lot of repentance.
Dr. Lilli de Hoyos Anderson : 38:44
That's right. With a lot of ongoing change and repentance and preparation for that. If we are in a single state, that doesn't mean we can't treat people right and that we can't examine, how am I treating my roommates? How am I treating my colleagues? How am I treating the people that I interact with?
The people that frustrate me, it's all the same stuff. We live on this planet.
The people that frustrate me, it's all the same stuff. We live on this planet.
Wracked with the people that frustrate me, it's all the same stuff. We live on this planet with other people we're not on a desert island alone. So it is about working on those interactions and it prepares us in such a better way for this magnificent plan of our Heavenly Father's, where He intends us to figure out how to be successful at it. Not just to do it. Yeah. Those words are simple and powerful.
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